CHARACTER INTERVIEW: Helen LaRose from Helens-of-Troy
Interviewer: Today we’re chatting with Helen LaRose, recently divorced single mother of a very precocious teenage daughter. What’s it like being the mother of a “Goth-Chic”? That’s what they call your fifteen year old, isn’t it?
Helen: (Sigh) She’s not exactly the only girl dressing like that in Troy, but no, I’m not really happy about it. It could be worse though. She could dress like my mother. My mother likes to talk to the police on the front porch in her negligee, but that’s a whole other story.
Interviewer: That’s right, you’ve recently moved back in with your mother. How’s that going?
Helen: There’s three of us living under one roof. Her roof. Let’s just say it’s not easy. As soon as I find a job and can afford to move out, Ellie and I will do that.
Helen: Goth-Chic. Her name is Ellie. It’s just her friends that call her that. Well…her grandmother does sometimes, but that’s just to drive me crazy. I’m Helen and my mother is Helena. We’re Helens. It’s a family thing, the name. Right now, we all live in this small town called Troy…and I mean small. There’s no Starbucks. There’s no outlet mall. There isn’t even a Wal-Mart.
Interviewer: What type of work are you out of?
Helen: I’m an archeologist. My mother thinks that qualifies me to be a grave-digger, but I have other ideas. You’re not hiring, are you? There’s not even a job centre in Troy.
Interviewer: No, we’re fully staffed. Troy…isn’t that the town where the children were murdered?
Helen: No comment.
Interviewer: No comment? That sounds like you were involved.
Helen: Look, Ellie and I just moved there at the end of October, and all these strange things started happening. It’s a co-incidence, that’s all. But you can see how it can be…unnerving to talk about. So I’d rather not.
Interviewer: What would you like to talk about?
Helen: I’d like to talk about how the Italian Renaissance period was instrumental to the degradation of society as we know it today.
Interviewer: I’d rather talk about the vampire.
Helen: Pfft…what vampire? There’s no such thing as vampires.
Interviewer: But your mother was here last week and she said…
Helen: MY MOTHER IS ON CRACK.
Interviewer: But there was that whole thing about the jail blowing up…
Helen: It was a gas leak. That’s what the paper said.(Shrugs) These things happen.
Interviewer: I’ve heard from a reliable source that you have psychic powers. Ever thought of doing a reality series?
Helen: Reliable source? My mother? She thinks I’m like Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium. But I think she’s been inhaling too much of the incense she burns in her Naturopathic clinic. I just have woman’s intuition, that’s all.
Interviewer: What’s your intuition telling you now?
Helen: It’s telling me to thank you for the interview, but I sense you really don’t want to talk about Aztec ruins or Egyptian nomenclature.
Interviewer: Maybe the Mayan calendar, and how the world is going to end this year. Why is your forehead wrinkling up? Are you having a vision?
Helen: Okay, I’m out of here. Thanks for your time.