Are You Really A Vampire? Checkout this guest post by Beck Sherman


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Take this test and find out. But I have to warn you, you may not like the results.

1) Do you react badly when sharp objects are thrust through your heart?

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe, let me see.

2) Do you weep and curse at the screen while watching the Twilight movies?

a. Yes, SHE MADE US SPARKLE!
b. No
c. Maybe

3) Do you bring your own straw to volunteer at blood drives?

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe

4) Do you wake up in strange places, covered in blood and clutching dead hookers?

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe, but I’m Charlie Sheen.

5) Do you often eye the neck of a hot date and say, “No, I’m all set” when the waiter comes over for drink orders?

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe

6) When watching Lost Boys, do you jump up and exclaim, “Ridiculous! We can’t die by stereo!”

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe

7) Is your bed a coffin?

a. Yes. Doesn’t everyone sleep in coffins?
b. No
c. Maybe

8) Does your roommate keep sneaking holy water into your coffee?

a. Yes, but he swears it’s the best sugar substitute on the market.
b. No
c. Maybe

9) Has Banana Boat blocked your emails requesting they make a stronger sunscreen?

a. Yes, but SPF 2000 is a very reasonable request.
b. No
c. Maybe

10) Do you look good in black?

a. Oh yeah, and I look good in red, too.
b. No
c. Maybe

Mostly a’s – You’re definitely a vampire! You’re going to live for all eternity, unless of course you run into a hunter like Cooper or Emma from Revamp. Relax. Stick to the shadows. Try to avoid taking over the world. Focus on smaller prey: the Beamer driver on your ass, the customer whose briefs are in a twist because you forgot his side of ranch dressing. You have all night to party and all day to sleep. Remember, it’s fun to be a vampire.

Mostly b’s – You are not a vampire! But just think: no blood moustaches, no humans circling you with stakes, like pesky mosquitoes, no having to figure out how to suck blood through a space helmet in 200 years. For now, I invite you to live vicariously through the vampires of Revamp. Just be prepared to die vicariously, too.

Mostly c’s – You might be a vampire! Avoid the daylight, for now. If you must, one body part at a time into the sun, starting with your pinky finger, ending with your head. It’s okay to begin dressing all in black. If you are a vampire, or are becoming one, the best thing to do is to ease into the undeath-style, and your wardrobe is a good place to start. If a week has gone by with no change, you’re probably not turning into a vampire. Don’t be sad. Put yourself out there, they’ll find you. Just pray the ones that find you like you enough to want to keep you around.

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